Chapter 1

Friday April 12th, 10am

I used to be a child prodigy but now I’m just a lazy teenage shit. Mum and Gran tell me I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful village in such a beautiful part of a beautiful country but fucksticks to them, these are the same people who tell me girls will be interested in me for my personality and that my great great grandmother was a mermaid. Kilmuir, their beautiful picturesque village, is a tiny isolated pit of a dump on the stupidly named Black Isle - not black, not an island - set in the middle of the nothing-to-do capital of the world, the Highlands of Scotland: a place which you’ll find isn’t nearly as friendly as it pretends to be in the brochures. I’m Findo Gask, I’m 16 and I’m very probably Scotland’s ugliest inhabitant. Actually that’s unfair; I’m very probably Europe’s ugliest inhabitant. I live with my Mum and my Gran in my Gran’s shitty, tiny house, because Mum pissed our old place up the wall playing online bingo or poker or something. Dad’s been dead for years. Thanks Dad.

I solved the universe today. Seriously, the whole universe, completely solved once and for all, and I wasn’t even trying, it just sort of occurred to me as I was eating a chocolate mini-roll. Mind you, even though I am now the discoverer of the most fundamental advancement in human thought ever, it turns out that the answer to the universe is so simple that it doesn’t even involve any maths, so I’m not sure anyone will bother to believe me when I tell them. So even though I have now totally solved the universe, it’s not as if I’m going to get a Nobel prize out of it, let alone a shag. Anyway, I’m supposed to be sitting here revising for a pointless History exam and I don’t think the essay question, ‘In the context of the industrial revolution, solve the universe’, is all that likely to come up. However, the industrial revolution without any reference to why the big bang happened is very likely to feature, but as I can’t be arsed with any of it I’m going to eat some more mini-rolls and watch more TV.

 

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